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Going backwards facing forward

November 19, 2010

I have not posted in a while. Nearly 20 days, to be exact. There is a reason for this. For one, my courseload for school got bigger. For another, we’ve been going upstate to the boy’s parents’ place nearly ever weekend. For another, my boss resigned on Monday and it’s been a scramble at work ever since.

So tonight I have a little time to myself for the first time in a while. The boy will get home from work shortly, but until then I have a moment’s peace.

With my boss’s resignation, there was an opportunity to really step-up at work, which I was willing to do (provided a raise accompanied the increase in responsibilities). But then I realized that the work would probably bump me up to nearly full time. And now the boss is considering doing some consulting on the work they wanted me to take over, so I might not have to after all. But still – I have to wonder, does my ambition get in the way of my own happiness?

I consider myself a pretty competent and hard worker. I don’t over work myself because I know that would burn me out. But as long as I have flexibility of what I do everyday and when, I generally get my work done in an accurate and timely manner. But I tend to volunteer with more responsibilities because I A) want a raise/more hours and B) want to advance in the field. However, more hours, while coming with a bigger paycheck, also infringe on my free time. Including time for school.

So right now the house is a mess. And last week I cooked twice – made a big batch of chili with cornbread once and made broccoli cheese soup the other time. And we’ve been eating that for lunch/dinner or going out to eat recently. Part of that is because we’ve traveled a lot recently. But also because I just don’t have time/energy for cooking.

I’ve talked a lot about wanting more free time and to be able to farm at some point. But I have to wonder – could I hack it without a job?

I’ve been without a job. Over a year ago I was unemployed. In fact, I was unemployed for nearly four months. I lived off of savings and cooked and baked a lot. I knitted a lot. I wrote a lot of blog posts. But I also slept in a lot and did a lot of nothing and got kind of depressed and visited the library and walked around town when I got up the effort. And I ate a lot. But I also had time to cook homemade meals from scratch every night and I had time for long walks with the boy after he was done with work. So it was good and bad.

I think I just have to be more disciplined with myself. Y’know, going to bed earlier, getting up a little earlier and working out, trying not to eat out too much. I’m really going to try with the going to bed earlier thing. I got almost no sleep on Tuesday night because I had class late and then worried about work for hours. So last night I went to bed at 9:30 and slept until 7:00. It was awesome. I woke up feeling really well-rested and energized. Gotta do that more often, I think.

That dream about farming, though? Might have to wait. I AM passionate about history and public education. And my work is pretty good right now, despite being strapped for cash and lacking clear leadership. My projects are pretty cool, at any rate. And the museum is FINALLY moving forward. Maybe. We’ll see. So in some ways the place is going backwards. But I’m at least facing forward.

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